Split personality

So much has happened since I sat down and wrote at the computer screen. I to,d myself no one read this stuff anyway -- so why on earth waste my time writing. I'm trying to remind myself that I write because I love it -- and for no other reason than that.

Quick update of a list before I spill my guts:
1. Took a two week long term sub job to end in the school year at a charter school.
2. Signed a contract to teach at said charter school next year.
3. Apartment hunted.
4. Signed a lease and am moving out on my own on July 19th.
5. Spent the one week of summer vacation I had with my girlfriend, yes girlfriend, maybe ill blog about that issue sometime, but for now, it is what it is. We mostly did nothing but we did go to an amusement park and I ate pizza, thing crusted, and not much, but still pizza for the first time in two years,
6. Yesterday was my first day of my summer nanny job in which I spend 48 hours a week with the two most love able little boys anyone could ask for.

A lot happened -- a lot should have been exciting and it was...

But yesterday and today made me realize just how uncertain I am, how I am still fighting a battle with my eating disorder and how no, contrary to my bełief I am not out of the woods yet. You see, I am two distinctively different people. I am me, Zoe Torres, a happy go lucky nature loving sun abosrbing athlete who works with children out of the depths of passion in her heart and I am my eating disorder. That cannot go to the pool without counting calories, without working out, who can't go to the playground without running laps or doing pull ups. Who gets light headed and celebrates.

Both of these personalities exist in my head at the same time, and I am not sure which one is stronger, that scares me. Today for instance, I skipped breakfast, duh, that's what I do, and was walking around t the nature and science center sick to my stomach and light headed because I was so hungry. Half of me panicked and thought -- hell no -- I'm not doing this all summer again. The other half thought -- good you fat ass maybe your burning some of this fat off.

I suck -- and I'm ready to give up.